Tomorrow?

That's all I can think today--all I've been able to think for the past several weeks. My thought process goes something like this:

Not tomorrow, not the next day, not the next day, not the next day, but the next day...

When large events pop up in my life, I count down. Every day I wake up and figure out how many days there are until THE day. Sometimes I do it with a sense of dread--Oh, good, I still have eight days until that conference I didn't want to go to. Other times, I check off the days with wild excitement--Yes! Only four days until we get to see that film and my life is complete! (Have I actually thought this? Sadly, yeah).

This is the first time I'm not exactly sure what to feel. Do I count down the days fitfully, pushing back as time rolls callously over my pathetic self? Or do I welcome change with open arms and a grateful heart?

I've always been able to categorize things: this is good, and I want to do it, so I'm excited. This is bad, and I don't want to do it, so I'm resentful. This time around, the categorizing doesn't work. I'm excited, but sad. I'm gleeful, but afraid. It's as if every emotion I've ever felt has decided to attend a party thrown by my over-analyzing brain.

I can't say I like living this way; I can't say I hate it. I feel tired and sick, but also alert and acutely aware of how excited I really am.

It's confusing and frightening, but also perfectly clear at the same time that this is normal.

Today I saw a girl and her mom in a store, shopping for college. I walked past and listened to a snippet of their conversation, thinking all along That's me! I'm going to college tomorrow. There are others out there who are feeling exactly what I am!

Not being alone is a comfort, but definitely not a cure. I think that the only cure for the college blues is to just go ahead--leave home tomorrow, move into the dorm, say goodbye to my family and not be afraid to show how I feel after they leave, pray, take a deep breath, and move on. Every other event I've ever counted down to has passed, even the largest, ugliest, scariest ones I thought I couldn't survive.

So this is the last blog post I'll make before college. Sorry it's short and kind of all over the place; so am I (except I'm not short, according to my doctor, who says I'm in the 79th percentile where height is concerned).

I'll try to update Something Solid Out of Air as often as I can. Fear not; my writing comes with me, stashed away on my laptop, on a flash drive, in notebooks, and in my mind. I just hope I can find the time to do what I love.

Okay. Well... here we go!

Signing off,

Elisabeth ~